dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
