remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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