Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
