walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I understand Curling. That high.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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