every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
