You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
