I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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