There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
