dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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