wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
