I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
