oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
