And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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