Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
