i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
