Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
