I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm just crazy horny about you
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize