I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
