so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
