so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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