I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
