WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
did you just send me my own nude
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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