Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
