ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
