sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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