i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize