I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
