It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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