I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
