when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize