farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
