To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
