I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
