Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize