Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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