OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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