How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
