You just made me feel so damn special
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
