I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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