It's like God shit irony all over that family
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
