He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How does one acquire holy water?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
