After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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