Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
