That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
