If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
