Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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