I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
