He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
