____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
