If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
