after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
