Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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