My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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