dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
