Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
