Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
