Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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