i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
